A Good Place

I started rewatching The Good Place on Netflix, I originally stopped because the partner I originally started the show with left me in a house that was literally falling apart (they were ripping up the floorboards due to a flood) to travel across the continent to street perform in California without me. I know how to pick them, that's all I can say. The thought of watching it made me miss the good old days, but there have been memories since him and I actually look back at the breakup as a pivotal moment in my life. I cried for this person harder than I think I have ever cried for someone who is alive; I thought I would never be happy again, I wept in front of strangers on many trains to work for this person, and eventually with time I got over it. The lesson is, when you're hurting the pain means you're alive and being alive means you have time which either numbs you or heals you--hopefully the latter.

Anyhow, the premise of this show is basically Eleanor played by Kristin Bell is a horrible person on earth, dies, and wakes up in the good place which is a heaven designed to meet the needs of the elitist good people who earned their place from a point system basically measuring good and bad karma when they were alive. Only, Eleanor is not the Eleanor everyone thinks she is. The catch is she shares the same name but not the life and memories of the Eleanor who is meant to be in the good place. So things in the good place start to run amuck when Eleanor tries to hide her identity and keep her place. Because this is literally one of my all time favorite shows I will not give away any spoilers and instead just advise you to stop what you're doing and watch the first episode right now-- well, after you read the rest of what I have to say-- the episodes are only 20 minutes long.

I am attracted to this concept of a karma point system. I once started writing a science fiction/fantasy novel that was somewhere between Oliver Twist and Miss Peregrin's Home for Peculiar Children. The people in my world were governed by a currency of Karma points and there was a band of children making profit off of stealing karma and an underground black market. I've had an obsession with thinking about Karma for most of my life. When I was a child my mother died of cancer and I was told that it was part of God's plan. That somewhat tainted my image of the Almighty. I grew up feeling like some entity took her away from me for no reason, or worse for a reason unknown to me. My mother in my mind is the epitome of an angel and will remain my guardian forever but her death wasn't fair, I couldn't understand how a God could take the life of someone so pure. The idea of fairness tormented me and still does. When I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease type one diabetes, I couldn't figure out why, what I had done to deserve such a difficult everlasting change. Another line they like to throw at you is, God never gives you anything you cannot handle--but there have been plenty of days and moments I have not been equipped or able to handle, and I think it's more-so that God gives life and thus gave us no choice but to survive.

Death terrifies me. I think that's another reason why I like this show. Death didn't always scare me. When I was a child, it was romanticized in a way that I was able to feel like my mother was somehow still watching over me. I'm not saying she isn't. There are moments in my life when I have to get down on my knees and ask for guidance, not from God, I talk directly to the lady herself. And whether her spirit and memories only reflect back on me to give me inner strength or there is divine guardianship I don't know but I've made it through everything, I'm still breathing, and if I may say so, I'm kicking ass.

This past weekend was a four day weekend for me. I would have spent it with friends and family if I were home in Colorado but in Chicago I was able to literally stay home all four days without much intervention. After day two my body began to ache from inactivity, by day three my mentality and attitude turned sour and I was feeling anxious and depressed, and on the fourth day I slept knowing there would be no more time to waste once my week started again. It's a mixture of procrastination, a deep need to decompress but no knowledge of how much is too much, and an underlying depressed anxiety that is always there, slightly medicated, but not realized because I'm constantly busying myself.

I work four to five different part time jobs on a weekly basis, I'm working on a directed study, a member of a writer's circle, and I like to eat, sleep, and date on occasion. I have a hard time self disciplining when it comes to things that are not work and things that are pleasurable. For example, I can work five jobs, twelve hours a day, for five days, but I wont get up every day and exercise for 30-60 minutes. I work until I'm ready to drop and then reward myself with the comforts of food and relaxation indulging to the point where I overeat and stay in bed for a four day weekend. These particular pieces comes back to procrastination, imbalance, and lack of structure.

I read that tonight the moon is in position for me to find great success and I think I discovered it when I pulled myself away from Netflix and went to the grocery store to get myself items to meal prep for the week. As I was returning to my building I considered the sign outside advertising a 24 hour gym facility inside. I've never once taken advantage of this service. I have a weird metabolism on top of the insulin dependency and insulin resistance. During my past research of what would help my body loose weight the most, it's alternating the activity from high to low every other day. My medical family members say it's best to start out with 30 minutes of straight activity, walking or running, to begin with every day. I procrastinate in a way that makes me think somehow in my subconscious I've already decided I'm going to fail and I don't want to try. Maybe I've never dedicated myself enough. Perhaps I work five jobs so that I don't have to admit to myself that I'm using up the time I'm worried about failing in if I were to use it for other goals.

I thought back to when I was killing myself to try to strengthen and heal my crumbling relationship last year. How I got myself to wake up at 4am in the morning because that was the time he was finished studying and could spend 30 minutes with me before going to sleep for the rest of the morning. I was working five jobs at the time and still sacrificing so that I could spend time with him. It was working because I had so many hours in the morning to be productive and get prepared that my anxiety went down a lot. The only catch was that I was so tired by 7 or 8pm I had a really hard time making dinner and doing chores before getting too tired. I know the entire relationship was legitimately shit and only realized it once getting out of it, because who can sanely expect a partner to be capable of: working five jobs, getting up at 4am to have face time and maybe make love, do the chores once home, and cook meals all by themselves? He once complained about how I wasn't pulling my weight. A man who was not working or helping with the bills by the sweat of his own back. Yikes, I am growing up, that is all I can say about that.

So now I'm just taking care of myself again. It's so much easier but taking care of myself is a full time job. When my blood sugar is high it's like I have two emotional wavelengths. I have to worry about numbers all of the time: amount of sugar in my blood, units of insulin, carbs in each article of food in a meal, my lbs, how many hours I sleep, how many steps I take (according to the fit bit). It's maddening. I once told my ex that he'd be a terrible type one diabetic, and even when he got upset about it because he claimed his medical student knowledge was enough, I didn't take it back.

In the elevator back up to my apartment, I considered the past four days laying in bed binge watching shows and considered how much I want to be in a good place, metaphorically speaking of course. I want to be in a place that I feel healthy and content and strive for insight and clarity. I want a life where I'm not worried about death because I'm so busy influencing and enjoying breathing that I wont waste time with my nihilistic thoughts and existential questioning that whirlpools me into depression. What's more is I deserve a life like that, not because I'm a good person or it's fair, but because I love myself and I'm done settling for less.

I have come up with a master list to reference and a plan I want to put in place starting today because it is the beginning of my birthday month and I know this is my time to shine. They say it takes three to five weeks to form a habit.

The Sleep Plan

Sleep for 6-7 hours a day and get up at 5am every morning to be more productive and try to lessen my anxiety.

Week 1: I am going to start with just waking myself up at 5am and listening to a new podcast until I'm ready to get out of bed.
Week 2: Then I'm going to start getting myself physically up at 5am to work on art of work projects until it's time to get ready for work.
Week 3: Then I'm going to start getting myself up at 5am, cooking breakfast, and doing something productive until it's time to get ready to go.
Week 4: I am going to get up at 5 am, take an hour walk down the lake front and listen to a downloaded podcast on my route, then come home and cook breakfast and get ready.
Week 5: I am going to get up at 5am, and go to the gym in my building

Eating Plan

Stabilize my carb and insulin intake and drink 50 oz of water every day

Week 1: I start my mornings eating 30 or less carbs for breakfast, I start taking metformin again
Week 2: I eat a peanut butter and jelly 40 carb sandwich for lunch every day and snack on fruit
Week 3: I plan one full home cooked meal per day
Week 4: I meal plan an entire week worth of breakfast and dinners
Week 5: I do not eat or drink out all week

Productivity Ideas:

• While listening to podcasts: stretch, bullet journal, cut out collage pieces
• Bullet Journal in the morning to prepare for the day, week, or month
• Collage in the morning and document progress
• Watch Netflix and in between episodes: take out trash and recycling, make art, read a chapter, work on curriculum, read manuscript, water plants, clean bathroom, meal prep
• Journal first thing when you wake up to help actually wake you up at 5am
• Plan ways to better budget money
• Organize things to do or read on the bus to work 

I will write a blog with updates.