One Bad Egg?

It finally happened, I was authentically asked out by a genuine guy just interested in me for me--granted I know exactly how I hit the right buttons, but still! No Tinder, no mutual friends, no DM after stalking someone's Instagram for five months before getting up the courage to shoot the shot. It wasn't all that glamorous by any means, he drove my Lyft home one night when I was too lazy to take the train. But a genuine ask is a genuine ask, so where and when is it okay to say "yeah I gave this a shot but I'm not interested" while still feeling like you emotionally gave something a try?

I'd like to say I get authentically asked out all of the time but it simply isn't true. Part of it is, I don't look like an Instagram super model--I've accepted my fate--but there's also a huge wave of people my age who are terrified to ask a potential partner out whether they are a man or a woman (non gender conforming etc.) We don't live in a time where people spend an hour dropping more and more quarters into a pay phone to keep a conversation going. We live in a time where an unknown man talking to you on the street most likely means stranger danger and harassment. 

I was feeling friendly in the Lyft when I got in and indulged this man in a conversation. It came fairly naturally. I was ready to be home, exhausted from a long day but having just pampered myself at the nail salon. When he spoke to me I recognized his accent instantly and I knew he was from Nigeria. I asked him if that's where he was from. I was on the money and he was immediately impressed and curious how I guessed correctly. I admitted to him that I had dated several Nigerian men before and my most recent ex whom I'd lived with was from the mother country of Africa. 

We continued to have a nice conversation where I felt comfortable and eager to show him how much I know and love about his country and culture. My last relationship, although rocky and absurd in the end, started out healthy and was very culturally involved. I told him what my favorite Nigerian dish is at the African restaurant I used to frequent, how I always ask for veggies mixed in with my meat stew on rice and extra plantains. I wasn't trying to get him to ask me out but it made sense to me how a foreign person would love meeting a stranger with knowledge of their culture--it's not always easy to find. 

He asked me if I still date Nigerian men. It took me a minute to reply because in my mind I know that no matter who I will date, I am going to project some of the pain and insecurities from my last relationship. Dating someone else with Nigerian heritage would produce all kinds of preconceived ideas that aren't necessarily helpful. I admitted I enjoy the go-getting attitude Nigerian men can have and their honesty when it comes to their affection, generalizing of course. I was honest and said I feel weary of dating Nigerian men. 

He said, "don't let one bad egg ruin the bunch."

He isn't wrong. 

When he asked me for my number as I got out of the car, I gave it to him. He didn't give me any creepy, aggressor vibes and I figured the worst that could happen is I need to block him. I will write a separate post about the power of blocking and how liberating it is to cut toxic people out of your life. Anyways, I have given him two dates since then both times not feeling %100 interested and engaged. He asked me out and I said yes before I even listened to my primal instinct to see if I felt initial attraction.

I chose the place for the first date, a neighborhood bar called Matilda's that I discovered with my best friend over fourth of July weekend. There's a small dance floor downstairs and good food. I arrived before him and got myself a rum and diet coke and worked on my course load until he showed up.

Summed up, the date was very nice. He repeatedly told me how happy he was to be with me in the moment, how beautiful I am, and he asked me a lot of questions. It was really nice to have a man dote on me, but it was also weird. I'm not used to anyone straight up telling me how lovely I am and how happy they are to be with me. He didn't mean for it to be, but it felt inauthentic to me--my mind tried to explain it as "oh this is happening too fast" and "this is committal, attachment language" when it really was probably just me feeling paranoid because I think an overly nice person expects something from me, something I'm not ready to give. 

We ended the night around 11:30pm, he got a Lyft that dropped me home first. I went for a gentle lip peck before getting out of the car but it turned into this weird smushing of our lips and I did feel tongue on his part, the awkward memory makes me wince. 

Moving on to date number two. He texted me throughout the week, always first and always trying to make conversation. It's been a particularly busy time having just been hired at this new High School and starting back at one of my old part time jobs with regular hours again. So part of me just figured I was exhausted and uninterested in talking, I do tend to get that way sometimes. But I also know myself, and if I'm into a crush I will stay up until 3am to talk to him and royally mess up my sleeping schedule just for those extra hours of conversation. So, it boggles down to I wasn't showing a ton of interest. He still persisted and we set up another date--he asked me my favorite food and in the moment I thought about what I like to cook myself and answered steak. 

I should have considered he was asking me in an attempt to pick a good place to eat. In hindsight I should have answered something less expensive because this man took me to a Morton's Steakhouse. When I told my boss this story, because she gets the run down of my crazy date stories after the weekend is over (there've been many), she agreed that this place was a bit too much. 

I showed up first again, did some people watching, took a black couple's photo for them and watched the goddess of a woman walk around with a pregnant belly larger than a winning watermelon at a county fair. He showed up wearing a suit and these sparkly loafer type shoes which were extra but cool. A stranger asked him what brand they were while we were waiting on our reserved table. I didn't outright complain about the noise, but I was being quiet and observant at the beginning of the date and blamed it on the volume. He did the respectable thing and asked the host for a quiet table which was granted. 

When we sat down I noticed everything on the menu was expensive AF. The salads were $15 and the cheapest meat or seafood on the menu (which is all the menu consisted of) was $45. When the waiter left I instantly leaned over the table and said "I will splitsies." Going Dutch is something I usually offer anyways just because on the first or second date I don't want a man to feel like he's wasting time AND money on me if I'm the one who decides I'm not interested. He shook his head and insisted he could pay for it saying, "time with you is priceless."

I can hear you saying awe that's adorable, and it is. But I always imagine a man saying that to a woman after they've just decided to commit long term and are celebrating or after he's been struggling at work and finally gets the big raise he deserved. Remember: this is date two. 

The waiter comes out with a huge slab of raw meat. I don't think a steakhouse has ever made me feel more inclined to be politically vegetarian. There is nothing quite like seeing 100oz of assorted raw meat right before you order and eat. The purpose I understand is to see the size of the meats--but, yuck. I chose a $60 dollar filet mignon and damn was that the right choice. It tasted like a 60 dollar fillet mignon. 

My date then proceeded to explain to me how he deals in cars for people in Nigeria. He made the explanation convoluted and confusing--not on purpose, but I found myself getting annoyed with his ramblings. In my old relationship, this was a toxic tactic my ex used. Confuse the American girl enough that she's left guessing and then blame it on cultural barriers. But I pressed on and asked questions and did come to the understanding that he's a private car dealer. He goes to car auctions in America and finds the cars people want in Nigeria that they can't access and he buys them and ships them to Africa. The conversation had me on high alert and I was doing my best to hang on his every word during our conversations. He continued to tell me I'm beautiful and he was enjoying himself. 

Then came the real turning point for me. During our first date I explained to him that I don't know that much Spanish and can't speak my mother tongue fluently. I was adopted from Guatemala and don't know my indigenous maya language although I wish I did. Still,

So, during dinner he tells me, "I just love the way Spanish sounds, it's a romantic language. I really want you to speak Spanish to me while we are having sex."

Whoa, okay hold up buddy. Lemme swallow the $6 dollar bite of steak in my mouth real quick before I answer. The truth is, I can't do that and I told him so. I should have told him I could say hola hola hola over and over again in his ear, how romantic, but I didn't want a joke to lighten the mood and allow him to think it was okay to presume I was having sex with him. 

I swallowed my food and replied, "when I learn my language I won't exploit it that way."

When I learn it fluently, it's going to be for me and not for the entertainment or gratification of anyone else. He changed the subject after that but this conversation sat with me. I let it alter my energy, I bet if someone asked him he'd admit to knowing he ticked me off. 

Men ask me to speak Spanish to them all of the time. I admitted this to him and made a point to roll my eyes. It's important that I let him know, saying these things doesn't make him unique--it just makes him seem like another fetishizing asshole. Men always want me to fit into boxes like the wild stereotypes of loco, attitude driven Latina women who are possessive and sassy--but then when I do show that side of myself, I'm doing too much. 

Since then he's continued to text me. I did try to put in more effort. He's been generous and sweet. He texted me yesterday and told me how much he loves that I enjoy his culture and he'd like to travel to Nigeria with me someday soon. While that was a sweet thing to say it was way too much for me to hear. I responded by telling him there's no way I would travel to a foreign country with anyone I knew for less than a year and left it at that. 

Now I know I'm not interested. I can't decide if I go on one more date and pay for his meal to even the cosmic and economic balance or if I just tell him now that I don't wanna see him again over text. Some would say don't waste his time by going out with him if you know you're not interested. Others might say, yeah take him out and let him down in person, he deserves that respect. What do you think I should do?