Life's Happening

ALMANAC Saturday (17:50 PM) 11.9.14 

I'll be there - Jess Glyne

I will be the first to say I have trouble keeping track of things and I have trouble committing to things especially if it means I might have to face my own failure. I will also say, loud and clear, that the bar I set is already high and I can beat myself up as much as I think necessary but it's irrefutable that I'm incredibly capable despite a forgotten task here and there and cycles of procrastination.

I don't know how many times I have recreated this blog: changed names, changed links, changed whether or not I used a pen name, changed theme, changed display, changed who I allowed to know about the existence of it. And each time I keep up with it for a few weeks, even months, and then life happens.

A part of me feels so discouraged that yet again I've dropped the ball on a personal goal that I don't want to face it and let it sit for even longer than the time it's taken me to realize I've failed myself yet again. I bet you're thinking, dude calm down it's not that serious. And you're probably right. But I read about Stephen King writing 1,500 hundred words a day like a heroine addict shoots up and I think maybe I don't have what it takes. I hear from artists I work with that they'd rather be focusing on their art than teaching or spending time on people and relationships and I think, I'd never survive without all that--does that makes me less of an artist?

I'm working on trying to treat myself more kindly, as though I were my own best friend. I'd never attack a true friend the way I come for myself. In reality, I'm doing pretty great. There are setbacks and stressors and problems of various sizes but that's just life happening.

I am trying my best and that counts for something.

Right now I need to list out excuses so that I can get them out of my system, and then I'm going to write. And you can decide if you want to stick with me for the journey or give up on me. But I'm going to practice and practice and push and push because there's a fire stirring inside and I don't want to let it extinguish.

What "life's happening" looks like right now:

• My carpal tunnel flares up at night so I feel like my fingers have pop rocks literally inside of them. It wakes me up and is disconcerting enough that I avoid writing and typing unless it's time to transcribe for my job or write emails for work. 
• Security at the homeless services non profit I work for quit, so I'm doing six people's jobs instead of just the regular three people's jobs I am accustomed to. It means thickening my skin for confrontations, it means shorter nails for more laborious work, and wanting to take a nap after the first half of the day is over, every single day. 
• I'm teaching three elementary classes these days and I just started working with the kindergarteners and 1-2n'd grade classes, the largest groups I've ever worked with. And my patience is being spread thin as butter. The more and more I teach these kiddos the more and more I wonder if I have masochistic genes or if I'm just that much of a workaholic. 
• My high school seniors are finishing up their college essays and submitting common apps. They are getting acceptances and rejections and I'm helpless to aid them any more than I have. There are weekly tears, and stress, and angst and I want to soak it all up like a sponge and relieve them but, I am the lighthouse and must keep myself out of the boat. 
• I'm on a strict regimented diet given to me by my doctor and cooking most meals is a job in itself. I have never had to act so self controlled in my life and I'm doing it all by myself. I have never needed the support of my therapist so much as right now. Whenever I am faced with the reasons for this diet I feel hopeless and full of rage, and that's a version of myself I loathe.
• I want there to be more space and time for me to do what I love. I want more energy to do what I love. I want to love doing what I love instead of resenting it for taking up my free time when I'd rather be sleeping or wasting hours on mindless entertainment. 

Despite all of this, I must forgive all my excuses and acknowledge I am human--and thank God life is happening in the first place.